There have been a lot of movies I loved as a kid that I’ve watched again recently on Netflix or other services. Some of them, like The Dark Crystal, are just as great as they ever were. Others, like Swamp Thing, are obviously dated by ideals like extreme environmentalism that were popular when they came out. There are a few though, that I sit there agape and say to myself: “My god, what did this demented subliminal madness do to my child brain?” George W. Bush, if you are reading this, you are about to get schooled on Shock and Awe.
Transformers the animated movie
What could be worse than Michael Bay Transformers? This Transformers. As a 6 year old, I did not find it odd that Optimus Prime dies in the first 10 minutes of this movie and C-Team unknown transformers take center stage. Robots transformed, there was fighting and there was a Weird Al Yankovic song in the movie. For my 6 year old mind there could not be a better Transformers movie. On later review, this movie is not only completely f*cked up, but also tragically so (more on that later). First of all the familiar animation of the TV series is replaced by low budget Korean slave labor animation. Apparently they didn’t send them a script or any explanation of the Transformers series either. I can only imagine how Hasbro felt when they saw the final product. “Those motherf*ckers killed Optimus Prime! Do you know how many of those we sell every Christmas Johnson?!” All canon issues aside, there is also a girl robot with whom protagonist Rodimus Prime (oh yeah, that’s for real) has a romantic relationship. The movie is also filled with strange, hypnotic motion and flashing colors. Worst of all, besides a misuse of Leonard Nimoy, this horrible film is the final vocal performance of the legendary Orson Welles. Much like another sacrilege I’ll cover later, this movie is doubly insulting because it killed a great actor and will always be at the top of his IMDB page listing.
The Lost Boys
If I had not just seen Alex Winter (Bill S. Preston Esquire) on Dollhouse 2 years ago, I would have assumed that real vampires killed him for his performance in this movie. He looks like something between a show poodle and all the members of Glam-Rock act Cinderella combined. The Lost Boys set serious, not moronical films about Vampires back at least a decade and it took me twice that long to realize it. When I was a kid, I could not imagine that a movie with all of my favorite 80s bad boy characters could be terrible. I mean, how awesome was Kiefer Sutherland the first time he was famous? Now I come to the horrible realization that I have this piece of shit to thank for everything from John Carpenter’s Vampires 2: Bon Jovi to Twilight. The concept that vampires could be annoying emo kids had never been unleashed until Joel Shumacher (the warlock responsible for two of the hexes on this list) launched this turd.
You can mute the song if you want, but trust me, the part where Jim Carey cuts in and glares at Val Kilmer is REALLY funny if you don’t.
Joel Shumacher is an evil human being (if he is not the devil himself). Having unlocked a higher level of evil secrets than even Britney Spears, Shumacher perfected the formula of appealing to the mouth-breathing-masses. All it took was Val Kilmer when he was still Val Kilmer, some incredibly over-flashy stunts and props and the unstoppable “Kiss from a Rose” in the trailer. I’m actually going to stop talking about this movie and just assume you clicked the video above, which is the music video for the song and is actually a diagram of why Batman Forever is evil. I’ll give you a hint, they crash a helicopter into the Statue of Liberty’s face as she weeps for Batman’s pride. One last thing, Brice and I created a plot synopsis of this music video as follows: Seal is a supervillain who has hijacked the Bat-Signal and his evil plan is to lure Batman to the roof so he can get his insidiously catchy song stuck in Batman’s head.
Street Fighter The Movie
I saved the worst for last, so that the weak of heart would be spared. The fact that the word “the” is capitalized in this movie’s script is a really bad sign. Even if someone had explained this to me at age 9 when the film released, I would have dragon punched them in the face and called them stupid. The only thing worse than this movie being awful, is that on later review, I see they did it on purpose. The people who made this movie obviously didn’t think that anyone was really serious about this “street-fighter” thing anyway. They got Jean Claude Van Damme and of course told everyone but him that the movie was a joke. I will from now on be calling this “Kevin Sorbo” film-making, as it was first pioneered in Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. Like Transformers, the worst offense committed by this movie is insulting the passing of a great actor. Not only is this the shameful final performance of Raul Julia, but immediately after the words “In Memory of Raul Julia” leave the screen, M. Bison’s fist bursts from the rubble, easing any fears that he would be unable to return for the sequel.