Videogame movies need to be stopped.

Posted: September 25, 2010 by ryanlecocq in Off-topic

Mr. Van Damme would you say you lost your dignity with Street Fighter?

No.  You’ve lost your balls.

This is an opinion piece in the off-topic category, and should be held aside from our normal informational postings.

There is pretty much no ground on which to defend videogame based movies.  Silent Hill is the best example I can think of that made any effort to please me as a fan without greatly offending me.  The first Resident Evil movie was alright as it mostly left the games alone and told a passable side story (or gaiden as its Japanese creators would say) that was campy clean fun.  The sequels on the other hand commit every possible offense to the fanbase.  The most glaring of which is creating a new, totally lame character that steals every good scene a franchise character ever had.  Imagine if a new X-men movie came out replacing Wolverine with a new, stupid Wolverine instead called Badgerman that looked like that vampire from Twilight in spandex and stole all of the classic Wolvie lines and signature moves.  If that made you want to Berzerker Rage the f*ck out of your computer monitor, you know how I felt watching these movies.

But enough of past grievances.  The impetus for this article is the new awful game-based movies on the horizon and why they need to be stopped and all film reels destroyed.  The first of which is unfortunately another Resident Evil movie.  After the last one I really couldn’t see any sane director taking the plot in any direction that wasn’t ludicrous.  Enter insane director and ludicrous plot.  Resident Evil 4: Attack of the Clones.  It’s one thing to be crazy, but another thing entirely to be blind.  The current rendition of the Kane and Lynch movie (which was going to be directed by Michael Mann at one point, ironic as the first game is entirely plagiarized from him) features Bruce Willis and Jamie Foxx.  If you hadn’t guessed, Bruce Willis is Kane.  Okay, he’s balding and scary looking, not bad.  Where this film jumps the shark is that means Jamie Foxx is Lynch.  I could see making Harry a woman in Silent Hill, but Lynch’s status as a middle aged, balding, beer-gutted psychopath is fully all of his charm.  Making him a young, fit, award winning black actor just doesn’t quite fit.  I’m not saying there shouldn’t be a black Santa or a black Nick Fury, but if you’re going to make Lynch black, at least make him an old fat black guy like Bill Dukes (the guy in Predator that says “I’m gonna have me some fun… I’m gonna have me some fun”).

The most terrifying only because of it’s mystery is the Halo movie.  You may say that’s a good thing, but hear me out.  It couldn’t possibly take this long to adapt a complete plagiarism of Arthur C. Clarke novels dumbed down for jocks unless something is seriously bloody awry.  I mean it’s easy, you get a wrestler, you put him in a plastic suit.  You get some grim sounding guy like David Hayter to voice him over.  Then you hire Industrial Light and Magic and wire them a bunch of money.  Fire the excellent composer of the game because you think you can get Hans Zimmer, instead you get Harry Gregson Williams, whatever it’s just some game movie.  You round it out with a supporting cast of Nathan Fillion, Michelle Rodriguez, Adam Baldwin and the rest of the Halo game voice cast.  No worries, these actors have the unfortunate curse of loving their fans so much they’ll let you cheat them to get in the film.  Bam.  There’s a movie that will make money and please fans, everybody wins, no damage done.

The problem is that game movies seem to fall in a common film industry trap.  No respectable director wants to touch it until somebody else does it well.  So far that hasn’t happened yet.  Even the oft adapter of IPs Zack Snyder hasn’t touched games yet.  Videogames unfortunately don’t even share the right of cartoons and comics to be ruined by big name directors in a rough patch.  They get the worst of the worst: Fresh out of film school directors who want to tell their own damn story no matter what script they get.  So arrogantly convinced that they can reinvent the wheel, these clowns put in every experimental effect and fancy camera trick they can pull off and several they have no right to attempt.  That’s why every single videogame movie seems to have an entirely different style and tone than it’s source.  Because some asshole kid from Malibu is making the movie he always wanted to make as soon as he got a big picture deal, no matter who’s beloved dreams he’s pissing on.  Imagine if George Lucas had been totally primed to make Star Wars, but the only way he could get it made was as a claymation children’s film.  Rather than sacrificing his dearest dream he would have probably made one of the shittiest films of all time.  So I can empathize a bit with these young directors, but I don’t want it in my fan-sphere every single time.

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Comments
  1. lagunawsu2 says:

    They are turning Just Cause into a movie. This proves that although your logic is solid, money is the ultimate motivator.

    • ryanlecocq says:

      It’s funny, I finally saw the new Resident Evil and it was not that bad. Still not a great movie, but waaaaaay better than the last one. Prince of Persia ended up being surprisingly long and boring.

      Just cause might be okay, as they wouldn’t need to make it very serious. I dunno, I still feel that game movies could still make huge profits for little investment without being these weird adaptations that leave the source behind.

      • lagunawsu2 says:

        Yes. Sure. Some games. But NOT Just Cause, or its sequel. The plot in BOTH of these games is merely a contrivance to have a superhero-esque dude blow/beat up everything in sight. It’s glaringly bad at best, throw up in mouth at worst. I mean, right now go turn on Just Cause 2 on Onlive, anyone, watch the opening sequence, and then tell me you HONESTLY couldn’t write something better. In 5 minutes. I mean why does he care he’s here?! Is he greedy? Is it about the money?! Mercenaries, a game this game feels like to the point of outright clone at times, at least had SOME plot contrivance why they were there. Rico, however, is the most bland thing on two hispanic legs. Sure he LOOKS neat, but thats it. His lines are not even…lines…? Couldn’t he have been say, I dunno…SHOT by the bad guy say? Or maybe…they were in the same unit together in a corrupt military *GASP* (That’s called the Metal Gear synopsis) But no…he’s just there…cruising around…killing innocent people with no real repercussions besides the military showing up…and they do that when your blowing up things your supposed to anyway.

        Overall, no way no how could this movie ever be good unless they essentially throw everything away about Just Causes plot, and instead focus on a man with a parchute and a grapple gun. But then, it would play out to audiences like some hack of spider-man (as he already appears a little anyway). Yeah. No hope here.

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